I let her go

So the time has come to say goodbye to my little girl....and I let her go! From the day she was born we were preparing her to be an independent spirit and to love life and treat other beings with kindness and respect. I never thought about this day approaching so quickly. It seems as if I'm in a dream as my heart breaks. My little girl is all grown up and it's time for her to pursue her dreams.

During her senior year, I cried often. Every time I looked at her, the years flashed before me and I would reminisce of the 3 year old who decided she wasn't going to take instructions from her mummy. She was very willful. However, I never wanted to break her, I just needed to help her navigate and channel her willful energies. Those were very tough years. In addition to a very strong willed toddler, my husband was granted custody of his 12 year old daughter and we became a blended family. It required an adjustment for everyone. So instead of losing our minds, my husband and I chose to get professional counselling. What a difference it made! Fast forward to her tween years....O how I don't miss those years. She was quick at the tongue and had an answer for EVERYTHING! But that too passed and we survived!

During her teen years she was at times disrespectful and sassy and only the grace of God kept me from making the 6 o'clock news. However, a midst all of it I watched a strong willed, kind, compassionate and empathetic young woman evolve. My daughter's academic accomplishments were outstanding and though I felt proud of that and her accomplishments in dance and tennis, I was most proud of her as a servant leader. She cared about the welfare of others. She was kind and helped those in need. She encouraged her friends and always brought out the best in others and most of all.....she made me want to be a better person. These are the traits that make me miss her now.

I miss her terribly. I miss her running down the hall and diving into our bed. I miss the long conversations about civil rights and the plight of our educational system. I miss her daily hugs...especially on those days when she got pizza or Chipotle. I miss her recommending great books for us to read. I miss her sass and 'side eye' look when I told her to do those damn dishes!!! I miss her angry yell when her brothers left the toilet seat up or her yelling at them to settle down or bring her something from her room. Our house was very loud! I miss those talks on the way home from school when she shared the day's happenings. I miss the tender conversations about her relationship with friends (including her boyfriend). I miss when we get dressed and we walk down the hallway seeking her approval.....and then she gave us that look of  'you can't be serious' or 'you look ahhh-mazing...ADORBS!'. I miss the way she'd open the filled refrigerator and exclaim....'there's NOTHING to eat'! I could go on forever. Mostly, I miss hearing her alarm go off for 30 minutes followed by her dad's yell, "Sierra GET UP....we're gonna be late". This is a daily reminder  that she's no longer down the hall, but instead at a University Hall making her dreams a reality!

Even though I know that we will adjust to our new life, it doesn't stop me from grieving her absence. It would be abnormal of me not to grieve her absence. We are a very close knit family. We do everything together. We even struggled together during the downturn in the economy. We were very open with our kids. They shared in the sacrifice and never once complained. To be honest, I think that struggle brought us closer and more appreciative and loving towards each other. Our love isn't perfect but it is OUR LOVE! So even though I feel like a part of my heart has been ripped out, I know that time will ultimately heal me. I accept that the dynamics of my home has changed. We miss our son (the hype man) as well. It makes me sad when my 10 year old goes to his sister's room to read and his brother's room to workout. That's his way of connecting. He misses them terribly as well. But life goes on and before you know it, they'll be back home for the holidays.

Now we have new memories to create with our 10 year old. I'm excited about his future and being a part of his adventures! He gets our undivided attention and all the love he could handle. Before you know it, 2022 will be here and we'll be experiencing the same emotions for our little guy, as he too must leave to pursue his dreams. Being a parent is one of the most difficult tasks I've ever undertaken, but it's also, the most rewarding. And letting them go so that they grow is an integral part of parenting. So be in touch with your feelings, be honest, be engaging and supportive as you embrace your journey and let them go.